Center Stage

He called this "Bare Bee".
-Photo by Chips.

So, if you have been keeping up with me, you've seen my disappointment.  For 2 days I went through cycles of tears and choke ups.  Usually I don't cry unless there is some type of frustration involved, and I guess to some degree 4 years of hard work added to my frustration, but this time it was different.  For once in my life I was rejected.  I know it sounds conceited but I'm not the type of person that puts myself out on a limb if I know what I am trying to do is unattainable-- kind of a "in my league" type of thought process.  Some girls cry over boys, but I cry over school I guess.  People keep telling me yeah, it's just a school... but what people don't understand is that I am just school.  Take that aspect out of my life and I am nothing.  It really saddens me to see that.  Not because I don't like school, on the contrary in fact, but to know something I pride myself on and have placed at the center of my domain is something I am not even good at.  It's like thinking your car is the best, its got a good paint job, always keep clean, always smells good, and yeah there are sometime when it gets dirty or a knick here or there, but regardless you pride yourself on  it and the great condition it is in, and then a Ferrari pulls up beside you (darn those international students :D JK) .  Same thing here, maybe its a big fish in a little pond effect too, but regardless it still hurts.


I've probably have read over my application 150 times and picked out every aspect that could be considered a flaw.  I know it's not healthy, in fact it's turned into an obsession, from diction to grammar, to the hours of work I reported.  Maybe they did not believe the work I do, maybe they thought my intentions weren't pure, who knows.  All I know is that I've spent hours thinking about why I was not good enough and each time my confidence takes a blow.  I think about if I didn't get into that school what about the others, what if I don't even get accepted to my safety school?  Will I have to enter the real world?  Will I get stuck there?  I can't even get into a graduate program, can I even get into medical school?  What will happen, where will I work if I don't become a doctor? Short story, will my dreams ever come true?  I always thought of my life as a movie. Example when I was younger I thought that because I am so different physically, mentally, and socially from my family maybe I was adopted, but the  matching blood types indicate different, so their goes the switched at birth theory.  Then I thought maybe I was a twin, but my birth certificate shows that my stork flew solo.  Although childish I thought maybe becoming a research physician and going home or other underdeveloped areas to practice was my role.  For once I thought that I had a shot at being that girl, the one who makes a change for the better and makes her family proud... but I guess with my denial email I was nothing more than an average girl.


Right now I am in the library and am trying to study for my biochemistry of nucleic acids exam tomorrow but with out these words said in this case written I cannot focus my mind on the present. So if you are reading this and didn't just skip it all, no hard feelings if you did or know someone who did, thanks.  Hopefully Davis will accept me, and give me a chance to star center stage.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Words That Keep me Going

Being in Boston inspired a dream, gave me courage, and filled me with confidence.  In Boston

 "I fell in Love by the Seaside"

In love with a dream

Seaside By The Kooks.

I feel in love with a dream.

"Some say Love’s a burning building,Love’s a sinking ship, But I like the heat I like the noise"

Summer House by Gold Motel